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Question: Lately I have been very emotional. I find myself crying too much (for me) or at the drop of a hat. I’m usually a very happy person but lately it seems like I just don’t want to be happy, like it’s too much work. People ask me what’s wrong and I really don’t have an answer.
Answer:
Something is definitely
going on. What is it? Have you taken time out to reflect on what has changed
in your life? Can you identify a specific trigger, for example ending a
relationship or losing someone you love? Or is it a build-up of unsettling
feelings over time, like you’re not living your life the way you really want to
or you’re not sure of your goals or your ability to achieve them. Can you
identify your emotions – are you sad, discouraged, frustrated, lonely?
If you can begin to define what’s causing the problem, then you can
work on solving it. Try the depression screening on the AU Counseling website:
www.aurora.edu/counseling/screening.htm Certainly counseling can help you
work on defining and solving the problem, so feel free to contact me at
mhanlon@aurora.edu for an appointment or for some off-campus places to go
for help.
Q: I have a friend that is dating a man; my friend is
20 and her boyfriend is 29. He is divorced and has 2 little girls. They’ve been
dating for 5 months. Like 3 weeks ago he told my friend that he had another
child with another woman, a son, and that his son is 11 years old. My friend
forgave him. But he told her some days ago that he lived with one of his
girlfriends for 2 years before he got married. My friend feels that she loves
him but she feels that she does not know the person she is with. She loves him
but she does not feel happy and feels that there is something between them.
Besides his past, he is being very nice to my friend. She really feels that he
loves her. What can she do?
A: RUN! Run
fast; don’t walk! Tell your friend to get out of this mess as quickly as
possible before she sinks even deeper into it.
Sorry. That was my first reaction to your explanation. Let’s look at it a
little more closely. This guy obviously has “a way with the women” – he knows
how to charm women. The clues are evident by what you wrote. If your friend, as
you say, “does not know the person she is with” and “loves him but she does not
feel happy,” and that the guy “is being very nice to my friend” and “she really
feels that he loves her,” then put all those pieces together. They do NOT add
up to a healthy, reciprocal relationship. They add up to his being able to charm
her into giving him what he wants.
These clues, along with his history of fathering children and leaving them
and the mothers, do not add up to much potential for a long-term, healthy,
committed relationship. Your friend ultimately is being used by this guy. There
are many good men out there, so why settle for a bum?
Q:
My good friend just had a baby
with a guy who hit her. She’s not currently dating him (by her choice) but she
still misses him all the time. Will she be able to get over him completely? What
should she do in order to put herself and her baby as a priority? I’m afraid she
will get back together with him and that’s not what she should do.
A: She needs
to get professional help with this situation. An innocent baby is involved and
violence is involved, so the situation is serious and not to be taken lightly.
If your friend lives in the Aurora area, Mutual Ground is a great resource for
counseling services related to abuse. The hotline number is: 630-897-0080. In
my office, I have brochures and handouts for Mutual Ground that I’d be glad to
give you to give to her. If she does not live in the area, I’m sure there are
similar services where she does live. Help her find them.
Unfortunately, with a baby involved, your friend will always be tied to this
man by the baby. He does have a right to have a relationship with the baby.
But your friend has to learn how to keep her distance from a man who has shown
he is willing to hurt her.
Your encouragement to her to stand up for herself and to not accept his
abusive behavior is very valuable. You’re a good friend. She has to make her own
decisions, but you can help her by providing good resources and by being willing
to listen.
Question: How can you organize one’s life of work and school more effectively around midterms/finals?
Answer: Usually in the days leading up to midterms or finals your workload is intensified. When that happens, it’s important to “clear the decks” as much as possible. By that I mean that you should eliminate as many minor distractions out of your life temporarily while you focus on studying for exams. We all have to set priorities from time to time, and if you’re a full-time student, then school should be your priority. Your work responsibilities should be tailored around your school responsibilities and that priority should be stated clearly to your supervisors. Then, when exams are here, you have to remind your supervisor that for a short time you will not be available to work extra hours or perhaps even cut back on your regular hours.
Sometimes that seems “easier said than done” because you need the money work provides to pay for school. When a conflict occurs between the two, you have to be clear in your own mind of what your longer-term goals are and that short-term negotiations are necessary, and usually possible, en route to achieving your ultimate goal – a college degree.
Q: What are good ways to deal with past experiences such as death, abortion, alcoholism? Especially if these issues are still interfering with life now, years after the events.
A: If these issues are interfering with your life now – which is very common, by the way – I would highly recommend you seek counseling. Although you possibly could work through the issues on your own or with the help of loved ones, I believe the fact that the issues aren’t yet resolved indicates that that hasn’t worked. If you have reached the point at which you want to deal with the issues and move forward, you are in an ideal place to reap great benefits from counseling. Go for it! I would be glad to help on-campus (email me at mhanlon@aurora.edu) or I can give you the names of good counselors off campus.
Question: I am having problems with my parents accepting me as a college student. It seems that they don’t know how to talk to me anymore. Most of all college feels like high school with more work and more stress.
Answer:
If college just “feels like
high school with more work and more stress,” is it possible that you’re acting
like you’re still in high school, too?
The expectation for students in college is that they’re becoming more adult and
taking on greater responsibility in their work (their studies), their behavior
and their plans for the future. If you begin to change in these ways, your
parents should notice the changes too and hopefully respond accordingly. If
they don’t, then a responsible adult would arrange to sit down with them to
calmly discuss how your life has changed and how the three of you could
renegotiate your more adult-to-adults relationship.
If your parents didn’t go to college themselves, you may have to explain what
it’s all about. It’s hard for them to understand the stress you’re dealing with
if they’ve never experienced it themselves. College IS different – you have
more individual responsibility to keep up and do your work, to choose a path
through the curriculum, and to juggle a variety of responsibilities. Instead of
feeling misunderstood or getting angry, share with your parents what your life
as a college student is like, and listen to their thoughts and feelings as well.
Q: What should I do if I have no motivation?
A:
First, take some time to figure
out why. Did you have motivation and lost it? Or have you never been
motivated?
Evaluate whether the lack of motivation is due to health problems, or changes in
relationships or routines around you, or lack of success, or any number of
obstacles. Taking this time to quietly and carefully assess what’s going on is
worth it because you can get to the bottom of the problem and make lasting
changes. Otherwise you’ll continue an ongoing battle of negative feelings with
no real resolution.
Once you’ve figured out the source of the lack of motivation, then you can
create a plan of action to make changes to feel more enthusiastic and dedicated
to what you’re trying to achieve. You can do it!
Q: How do you deal with your (significant other)
relationship when you were raised completely different and it bothers your
significant other?
A: How you were raised is how you were raised. You can’t change that.
It is a part of who you are, and if your significant other can’t accept that,
then there isn’t much hope for the relationship. If he (or she) truly cares
about you, your past is accepted as part of you.
Is he (or she) concerned about how it will affect the future, as in recognizing
a common value system? If that is the concern, you can work on that by talking
about what your values are and what you want out of life. If you can arrive at
some common ground in that discussion, then there may be hope.
I received
2 questions that are similar…I don’t know if they’re from the same author:
Question #1:
How do I go about
talking to people about things that I do not agree with such as swearing across
the quad to each other, making racial comments, and disrespecting others in our
community or our floor?
Q #2:
How do you go about dealing with people screaming swear words across campus? I
want to say something to them, but I don’t know them and I don’t want to seem
mean about it.
Answer:
This is one of those “pick your
battles” situations. By that I mean: is this a situation you feel strongly
enough about that you can’t ignore it, and believe you have to act on it? The
fact that you posed these questions to Quick Counselor Q&A is an effort to “act”
on your concerns, so let’s analyze the situation.
I think a good analogy might be sometimes when I’m on the highway, I have to pass large trucks belching smoke into the atmosphere. I find that pollution offensive and wish it wasn’t there. But I understand that the truck is serving a purpose and its driver has a load to carry to a destination. Can I confront the driver and ask him to get off the road? Probably not. But perhaps I can work with environmental groups, for example, to lobby for stricter air-quality laws.
In the same way, the offensive language you hear is a form of pollution. Can you approach an individual or a group to explain that other people around them are bothered by their behavior? Perhaps, but depending on how you talk to them, you may not be able to change what they may see as just a normal style of communication.
Your best bet may be to create awareness by using a broader forum such as the student newspaper or student email (students@mail.aurora.edu). You can write a concise opinion piece from the perspective, “Have you ever thought about how your behavior comes across to other people?” You can address how some behavior might be offensive in a public forum, how there’s a time and a place for some things but not for others, and point out the fact that we have 4th and 5th graders around AU who are observing these college students as they pass through campus on a daily basis.
Before you submit anything, though, I would recommend having an objective eye read what you’ve written to help you make your case in the best way. Dean of Students Amy Andrzejewski (amya@aurora.edu) is a good resource, or Gerald Butters, Director of Diversity (gbutters@aurora.edu). Tap into their wisdom!
Another avenue available if you’d like to see policy changes is to approach AUSA, which is your student government. Information can be found in Student Activities in the Spartan Spot.
Q: I’ve been dating
this girl for over a year and the relationship has always been okay, but not
great. She has wanted to get married pretty much from day 1, but I didn’t
realize that until we started fighting pretty much daily about 6 months ago.
I broke it off with her explaining that I couldn’t be in a relationship that was so unhealthy, where we had such different ideas of what the future would be like. She wanted to get married immediately, as soon as possible. Being that I was 19 years old at the time, I wasn’t ready to get married at all.
We got back together a few days after the breakup with her promising to cool it on the marriage thing and be happy and content. Now, a few months after getting back together it’s the same old same old. She wants marriage, she wants it as soon as possible. It’s gotten to the point where I don’t think I want to get married to her at all, let alone as soon as possible.
For some reason it seems as though she can’t be content with the relationship we have right now. It seems like she always needs more. I’ve sacrificed my own happiness in many situations, and although I realize that part of a relationship is sacrifice, I feel as though I’ve sacrificed more than I should in giving up my own happiness in favor of hers.
I love to see her happy, I care about her a lot, she’s a good friend of mine and I’d like her to remain a friend of mine, but I’m not sure I can marry her, especially now. I’m only 20 years old and not ready for marriage, emotionally or financially. She doesn’t seem to understand that, even after a year and a half long relationship. Should I stay with her and try to make things work, or should I end things now and hope for the best. There’s always a “what if” in my head, like, “what if she is the girl I’m supposed to marry?” I’m really confused, thanks for the help.
A: I have to start at the end of your question – “What if she is the girl I’m supposed to marry?” There is no such thing. I don’t believe that there is one perfect mate out there for us. I believe there are many possibilities, and that when the time is right, the connection is made.
From all that you shared in your question, the time is NOT right for you. Therefore, you should trust your instincts and not be forced into a marriage or even a long-term relationship, if that’s not what you want.
A healthy relationship involves give and take. Sometimes, one person gives more to the other when the one is going through a rough time, but then things balance out when the other person needs help. If you are sacrificing a lot more over an extended period of time for her, then the balance isn’t there and it’s not a very healthy relationship.
I have my suspicions that she is dealing with some issues that are bigger than her relationship with you. It’s common around the age of 18 into the early 20s to feel generally confused and disconnected from other people. There’s a lot of change going on which can arouse a lot of anxiety in some people. When this happens, some of these people will latch onto a relationship as a kind of safe haven or safe port in the storm. That may explain her overwhelming desire to get married. She just wants the safety and security of being connected to somebody, to something. The down side to going along with that is that you just happen to be there, so she’s clinging onto you. I would be concerned that when things settle down for her in a few years and she feels more confident, that she’ll no longer “need” you and the marriage will end.
If you are both students at AU, I’d be glad to meet with both of you to help you work out the type of relationship you BOTH want to have. If you’re interested in meeting, email me at mhanlon@aurora.edu. In the meantime, trust your instincts and be honest with each other as you try to work out an agreement that you can both live with.
Question:
When my grades are bad I feel
terrible like I am letting my family down, and feel that they look down on me.
What should I do?
Answer:
What you must decide is whether your are
in college for YOU or for your family. Hopefully, you are in college for
you, because you alone will benefit from the education and the experiences.
If you take "ownership" of college, you usually feel more motivated to get the
most out of it. If your family feels compelled to comment on your work,
try to use their words as positive motivation to do your best work, and to feel
good about yourself. when you do do your best.
On the other hand, if you're in college just to please your family,
then please take some time to do some soul-searching and explore what it is YOU
really want. If your plans and goals don't coincide with your family's
ideas, then it may be time to have a heart-to-heart with them to clear the air
and for you to be able to be true to yourself. Ask what their specific
expectations are for you in order to define goals that are achievable.
Q: How
many partners is too many?
A:
Can I assume you're not talking about "dance"
partners?
If we're talking about sexual partners, the decision is a personal
one based on your own value system and moral code. If you haven't thought
about this in terms of defining your values and a moral code, now's the time.
The choices you make today can affect your future, so it's important to act on
established values rather than float along on impulse and have to deal with
serious consequences later.
Remember that in this age of potentially life-threatening sexually
transmitted diseases, each additional partner adds exponentially to your risk of
catching something. And that's just your physical health...your emotional
health is at risk too when you share something so personal so indiscriminately.
Q: My
friend has some trouble drinking. What can I do to get her to stop?
A:
She has to want to stop herself, but you can be supportive of
that by suggesting fun stuff the both of you can do that doesn't involve
alcohol. Sometimes associating drinking with "fun times" becomes a habit.
Your supplying alternatives can break the habit over time.
If she continues to concern you, though, or seems to become more
dependent on alcohol, as a good friend, you can sit down with her alone and
discuss your concerns. Good local resources for assessments or help with
alcohol or other drug-related problems are Breaking Free (630-897-1003) or
Community Counseling Center (630-966-7400).
Question:
How can one deal with not being able to see one of
your good friends because of them being away in the Army for a good four months
now, and now finding out they will be shipped overseas sooner than expected?
Answer:
With your friend going overseas, I’m sure staying
connected with home is very important for his/her sense of well-being. E-mail is
a wonderful vehicle for staying in touch, as well as personal letters. A great
resource that was recommended to me is the book, Long-Distance Relationships:
The Complete Guide by Dr. Gregory T. Guldner. It provides useful tips and
information about long-distance relationship ups and downs that you may not have
even thought about. Good luck!
Q: If a guy that you like treats you bad
(mentally) but you still want to be with him, what should you do?
A:
Don’t ignore or excuse the bad behavior.
It is a preview of what’s to come. Psychological abuse will wear you down over
time and negatively invade all areas of your functioning. You have to believe
that you deserve better than that, and if you don’t realize you deserve better
treatment, then you need to take a step back and figure out why you are allowing
someone to hurt you in this way.
If you can figure out “What the heck am I doing?” and “Why the heck am I
allowing this schmuck to get away with this?” Then you’ll be in a better
position to say “No more!”
Q: Where’s a place we can go to talk about
pregnancy, sex, birth control, etc.?
A:
On the AU campus, the best places to talk
about these things are with Cheryl Block, the Director of the Wellness Center in
Jenks 115 or Marcia Hanlon, Director of Counseling Services at 427 Gladstone
House. You can walk in or arrange an appointment by emailing Cheryl at
cblock@aurora.edu or Marcia
at mhanlon@aurora.edu.
On the web, a couple of good sites are:
www.talksexwithsue.com/index2.html , which is the official website of Sue
Johanson, whose show on sex is on the Oxygen TV network; or
www.sextalk.org/resources/resources-links.html which includes a terrific
list of links to good sex information.
Q:
My boyfriend’s parents don’t accept me
because I’m white and he’s black. I don’t want to cause family problems, but I
really like him, and it hurts that they won’t even give me a chance. What should
I do?
A: Where is your boyfriend in all of this?
How does he feel? It’s admirable that you care enough to want to have a positive
relationship with his parents, but your primary relationship is with him and so
that’s where your focus should be. It’s up to your boyfriend to work with his
parents to understand – and hopefully accept – his commitment to you as your
relationship progresses. You should stay out of it for now.
Q: I am a homosexual freshman. I am stuck in
between telling him (my roommate) or not. I want to be open with him so that I
am more comfortable with myself. I know he is almost homophobic however. We are
extremely close. I just don’t want him to feel that he has to guard himself from
me or feel uncomfortable. I am not attracted to him; I just want to be open and
free from hiding it. What should I do?
A: You certainly don’t want him to find out
from someone else, particularly if he is somewhat homophobic, so I commend you
for wanting to be upfront with him. It’s best for him and for you to be honest.
But that doesn’t mean telling him will be easy.
Be sure that you have the discussion in private, and perhaps when you’re doing
something else, like riding in a car. That way, you don’t have to talk face to
face which can lessen the intensity of the conversation. Reassure him that
you’re good friends/roommates, that you value him, so that’s why you want to be
honest with him. Be very clear that you are not interested in him in that way
but that you just didn’t want this big secret hanging in the air. And guess what
– he may not be totally surprised. He may have picked up on some clues already.
Good luck!
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